Dying to Self

Here is a journal entry i made probably 2 years ago to the day. In fact, it's the only one I made in this journal.

This is my journey. This is where the old self ends and a new self begins. I don't know where it will take me but I know that God has something greater in store than this. It scares me because I have been this person for so many years. It's comfortable, familiar but it's brought nothing but pain and heartache and destructive behaviour. God gave me a beautiful gift in Heather and I've broken that. I've never allowed God to take over my life. I thought I could do it on my own. I was selfish, prideful. I didn't display love the way God intended me to.

LOVE IS 1)PATIENT 2)KIND 3)NOT JEALOUS 4)NOT BOASTFUL 5)NOT PROUD 6)NOT RUDE 7)IT DOES NOT DEMAND IT'S OWN WAY 8)IT IS NOT IRRITABLE 9)IT KEEPS NO RECORD OF BEING WRONGED 10)IT DOES NOT REJOICE ABOUT INJUSTICE BUT REJOICES WHENEVER THE TRUTH WINS OUT 11)IT NEVER GIVES UP 12)IT NEVER LOSES FAITH 13)IT IS ALWAYS HOPEFUL 14)AND IT ENDURES THROUGH EVERY CIRCUMSTANCE.

I look over this list and I have not loved as I should have. But I know there is hope. There are three things that survive, FAITH, HOPE & LOVE, and the greatest of these is LOVE. Love will win out in the end. God gave Jesus to show HIS love for us. Today I was reading in John 17:1-26. Jesus prayed to God, His Father, and He was giving Himself as a Holy Sacrifice so that I could be made holy through God's truth. That we would all be connected to God as Jesus is.

I have a tattoo of three nails making up a cross and a crown of thorns around it. The verse that goes with it is Galatians 2:20, "My old self has been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ living in me. So I live in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of Man, who loved me and gave Himself for me." I've never, never crucified my old self. God LOVED me SO MUCH that He sent His Son to die for me. Galatians 5:24 "Those who belong to Christ Jesus have nailed the passions and desires of their sinful nature to His cross and crucified them there." Earlier in the passage it says that we need to let the Holy Spirit guide our lives. I need to let the Spirit control and guide me in my thoughts and actions and produce Good Fruit,

1)LOVE 2)JOY 3)PEACE 4)PATIENCE 5)KINDNESS 6)GOODNESS 7)FAITHFULNESS 8)GENTLENESS 9)AND SELF-CONTROL.

My life has not produced Good Fruit, especially with Heather. I look at my life and I can compare things about our house. There is lots of crap around and I've not been willing to get rid of it. Just like I've held on to a lot of junk in my own life. It piles up and piles up and takes up more and more space til it's all there is. It's ugly and unsightly so you put it in a closet, or basement and hide it away so no one will see. But eventually you run out of room to hide it and it's out in the open and you have to deal with it, get rid of it. Find where it is in every nook and cranny and clean house, start new and fresh. Jesus did that for me. He has cleaned my house but I kept filling it with junk til my junk overflowed. I tried to hide it for so long and think it was ok, BUT IT'S NOT.

By the grace of God the Father, with the guiding of the Holy Spirit, and the knowledge and understanding the Jesus Christ my Lord and Saviour died for me once and for all, THIS JUNK CAN GO. It's time to clean house and start new and fresh and see the Good Fruits come through.

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